Rehab

The Far Side: 2003 Weekly Engagement Calendar

I wanted to make it look like I wanted help so I could achieve the best discharge possible. The reality of it is that there was a serious problem. I still think the navy is what fucked me up so bad. I have had 3 rum and cokes in the month since I got out of the navy. I used to drink a fifth on my way out to wherever I was going. Even after I got out of rehab I still was dumb enough to wake up in an emergency room, I was still in the navy.

I may not have taken things seriously enough and may have not been changed by rehab. I usually live by a simple fundamental rule: I do what I want. I usually do not drink at home and I choose when I do. My problem is not that alcohol is my panacea or that I down a whole bottle every time.. Even at my worst I never drank more than 3 nights in a week. The problem was that I usually had no respect for my own life. I usually hated life and did not care if I died as long as it did not look intentional. Anything that I thought was fun was a must. My whole life I was made to believe that I was a third wheel and I hate anything which lowers my self image. which the navy did an exceptional job at.

In the navy they have a break you down and rebuild you philosophy. I felt it more as a break me and piss me off, flaunt in my face that I have no control over my own life, and try to keep me in the broken cycle.

We tend to see some portion of ourselves in those around us. Many of the people on the boat thought I used drugs long before I ever did. In prototype one kid wanted me to smoke weed with him, but I wouldn't. I continually put myself in situations where I did not remember the night. I also went out with a bunch of kids off of the boat. I seem totally functional when blacked out sometimes. That is where the true danger is. When I get drunk many bad ideas sound good too and it was only a matter of time until I got in trouble (a few years to be exact.)

I did not want to go to Norfolk, and I did not want to go to rehab. The only reason I was there is that my lawyer got my court date held up the day before I was supposed to leave. Many sailors are in dire need of treatment though. One guy off our boat turned himself in for treatment. He was sent to treatment a few months later. They waited until the holidays then bragged to his supervisor about how they did it. Good People. They claim this long waiting list is why it takes months to get it, which would only indicate to an intelligent person how low a priority personnel are in the navy. They only use this as an excuse so they can make treatment inconvenient and unattainable to many who need it as one kid I knew got there on a monday when he got in trouble on the prior friday. His 3 DUIs in 3 months were not enough to get him treatment either, it was only when he sat in his barracks and refused to go to work that his problem was acknowledged. Even though he was still drinking he did not have to go into a psych ward for the weekend for detox like I did. What was amazing about them sending me there was that if they thought my problem was that bad, then why did 4 months pass between my most recent incident that led me there and my admital. Once again, this shows how important personnel are in the navy.

The Far Side: 2003 Weekly Engagement Calendar

Alright so how about rehab itself, what was it like? For the most part the most effective part of rehab for me was that I was removed from the destructive empty hollow environments that were called home. Image how awful life must be on a daily basis if being an open bay inpatient at a makeshift hospital grants an added element of comfort and freedom. Most of the people there were very nice and courteous. Some were not though and I had a problem relating to some of the instructors as none of them performed my job or knew what it was like. As a nuclear operator in the navy, that is what you are for your first 20 years so none of my piers could hold an instructor position there even though there is a much higher level of breakdown among nuclear operators since they are exposed to higher stress levels. If you value yourself and are still somehow going to enlist after reading this remember that if you do not like nuclear it only lasts your first 20 years.

Another token joke to think of. After I got out of rehab I saw an officer at one of the local meetings. I asked him if he was getting out, and he told me, "No I just used prescription drugs." I think this is the most ridiculous think I have ever heard of. Imagine that I could have conceivably smoked a joint and been punished more than someone who was using methadone, fentanol or some other horridly strong opoid. What is even more fucked up than the comparison that I just made is the fact that MDMA (ecstasy) was a prescription drug when I got in trouble. It just goes to show how stupid, jagged, and unorganized the ignorant mass of waste actually is (I am not referencing a single person when I say that). In fact they actually had to rip up thier first incorrect charge sheet and make another. This alone made thier entire case incorrect.

I had the bar none hardest counselor. One patient had been through treatment before and was coming back again, and they switched him to my counselor. My counselor was very full of himself and he was very good at manipulation, which was usually used for good purposes. I put up a fake shy front because I knew that if I spoke too much my opinions would eventually come out, for which I would be punished and the rehabilitation of those around me would be affected. I usually am full of good intentions. For my deviance my counselor was given the impression that I was super shy and he wanted me to become more open. When speaking of the future or of things I did in a blackout I used the word probably. Part of the instruction that he received was to notice words such as these and to get the user to stop using them. He told me to stop saying probably when I said I was probably being discharged. He then stated that he spoke with my chain of command and that they informed him I was. The problem with that is that it would strip me of even more of my legal rights for them to decide the outcome of my admin board before they held it. I asked him to put his words in writing after class and he backed out and started using words like probably. At this point he and I both drew the same conclusion: he is full of shit.

The Far Side: 2003 Weekly Engagement Calendar

 

The single most effective portion of my rehab was going to the narcotics anonymous meetings. I saw that most people were there for the same reason, and it was not drugs. Most people who take the route of extreme drug use already have extreme social issues that become insane problems when easy alternatives such as drugs become routine. Most drugs that bring you up have a more long term opposite effect to a lesser magnitude, but it grows with time. Over time the thing drugs allow the user to escape become associated with the opposite of what the drug does for them and eventually the pain becomes more and more acute until it is intolerable. Recreational drug users are cool, but when it becomes addiction the problems do follow. I saw people double my age and older going to these same meetings and telling horrific stories. Hearing that had an effect on me. Other than the one time right after I got out of rehab, I have never been able to loose control to where I blacked out. Drinking has not been the same. On the same token I cannot give that rehab credit for any of my personal change since my biggest personal problem was lost when I got out of the navy.

The important part of any information I provide t is truth so it is credible. I am not attempting to deceive. I am only attempting to let the truth be known. I am not saying that rehab does or doesn't work, but it is all up to the person. It is effective for many people. Either you care about life or you don't. When attached to a submarine I was not alive, and no rehab would have helped me.

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